Talking Behind Someone's Back

Hi Rachele,

I have decided to answer your question in writing and at the same time create a new chapter of my book, as the problem you have mentioned is quite common.

You said that you were angry with your boyfriend, and when he left for Europe you started a sort of investigation into his past, present, and future by discussing his affairs, his personality, and him in general with your common friends.

Of course people discuss people, but...

1) If person A talks about person B, usually person A presents their own traits and problems. Person A talks about themselves and not about person B.

In psychology, it is called projection. I have a good example of it. I had a client who suffered from a sort of phobia. He was afraid to leave home because he thought that the scar on his cheek, which he got after a small surgery, made him so ugly that people constantly stared at him with great pity. At the end of our session, I asked if he would be willing to make a small experiment: I would take a photo of him to send to other healers and friends, asking what they thought of him. He agreed. When the results came back, of course not a single person noticed his scar. However, that turned into another interesting experiment. All of the participants of the experiment offered their own characteristics while describing the possible traits of my client. For example, my friend who is mostly interested in the affairs of men and women asked me, “Is he interested in you?" A person who always has debt advised me to be careful with giving him any money, as he might not pay me back. The person who reads a lot assessed him as not very well read... and so on…

It was so funny to find by accident confirmation of the notion that people are projecting themselves while assessing or judging others.

2) A sentence containing judgements or opinions about person B verbalised by person A was probably distorted (biased) by time and repetition.

During my childhood, one of the most beloved games at kids’ parties was a game often called "deaf phone" or "telephone." The first child in the row whispered a long sentence into the ear of the second child, which was then whispered by the second child to the ear of the third and so on. When the message reached the last child, it was always fun because it had nothing to do with the initial message. Just as it is with gossip. In this case, the participants have a lot of fun, perhaps except the person the sentence is about…

There are three "memes" about gossip that I really like.

• People talk about you because when they talk about themselves no one is listening.

• Rumours about women and men are spread by the women and men who can’t match them and men or women who can’t get her or him.

• If they talk behind your back, that's place where they belong: behind your back…

I think these are very comforting quotes for everyone who “feels” that there is something going behind their back.

3) If a simple person is not able to understand the behaviour of a more sophisticated person, they will make judgements using their limited ability to comprehend him/her by guessing the meaning on their level of understanding of life and by trying to fit their behaviour into the stereotypes they are familiar with.

For example, someone recently told me that they couldn't recommend a place because only men were working there, and "you don’t like men." It was really riveting to me. I truly wondered how that opinion was created: from what facts, what sort of observations? Einstein said that two things have no limits; the Universe and people’s stupidity, but at the end he added…”and I am not sure about the Universe.”

To make people who may judge me even more confused, I will add that I admire: Albert Einstein, Gregg Braden, Joe Dispenza, Charles Eisenstein, Matías De Stefano, Osho, Eckhart Tolle, Bruce Lipton, and the list goes on. For women I admire, the list is as long as it is for men (not to be accused of the opposite, now I am even more careful, haha). During lonely days, I get plenty of inspiration from both men and women …so I never had much time for gossip…

4) People who are less knowledgeable will assess more sophisticated people with wider horizons as crazy or stupid.

I observed it already early in my life when still living in Poland. I have a great example of it. Part of my distant family lived in Gdansk, a big port city in northern Poland. I did not know them well, but I was invited to their wedding parties two times. They were happy people with a basic education living a simple life. At the first wedding I attended, I met my cousin Marysia and her boyfriend, whose nickname was Kołtuniasty (which in English means "having a lot of messy curly hair"). It was an accurate description of him. At the next wedding I met Marysia again, but there was no sign of Kołtuniasty around her. She and her sisters explained me that one of the many reasons they broke up was his stupidity, and as an example they gave me his totally crazy demand he made to Marysia about keeping records of her morning body temperature. They continued that he was so stupid that he believed that by taking her temperature every morning she could avoid pregnancy.

I did not comment then, but… I knew that the a woman’s body temperature indicates her fertile days and avoiding sex on these days was much more effective method of contraception than calculating days in a cycle or using contraceptive pills, which were available in the early 70s, but since we were behind the Iron Curtain, people often joked that they were only reliable because of their strong side effects, which caused an women to stop even thinking about sex.

5) Distortions can also be caused by different values and different backgrounds, such as different countries of origin, varied family backgrounds, or the default morals of sub-generations or sub-groups.

My multicultural, multi-age, and any "multi"in-general experiences while running a shared accommodation space has made me a sort of expert in predicting the conflicts that can arise between tenants. There's no doubt that discussions between Italians and Americans about cheating on exams finish with tears and tantrums, and it's better not to accommodate girls from China and Scandinavia in adjusted rooms divided by thin walls, and so on…

The truth is that in multicultural relationships, the difference in behaviours and values that are super attractive at the beginning could become irritating over time. A British wife who was full of admiration for the warmth and family bonds of her Italian husband (who in exchange admired her calmness and independence) saw that after a few years of marriage it would turn into annoyance that he spends hours talking and complaining to his mother about her inability to cook pasta, and and his initial admiration of her tranquil attitude could be perceived as extreme coldness.

6. When two people meet and click, usually they both have a bit different life experience (which makes life interesting). They still need, even in communicating one on one, a lot of good will and attention not to misinterpret their intentions. Usually, by acknowledging their life stories, they can gain more insight to the second person's reaction and behaviour.

My psychologist friend Kasia has said that all couple or family problems can be reduced to one reason: poor communication. According to her, the only task of counsellors is to teach people how to express their needs and concerns and how to listen to others with good will and no judgement. During her sessions, usually one person will start with, "Because he/she…" and the counselor's only task is to interrupt in the middle of the sentence and redirect the statement to the person the statement is about.

Be careful. Talking behind somebody’s back is a common practice of psychopaths (narcissists and sociopaths). It is a necessary element of their every smear campaigns…

Here is a short review of their methods:

1. Talking to everybody about how they love their victim and how they are not loved back. It usually causes jealousy and disgust towards the victim, and in extreme cases even envy and hate. The aim of it is to separate the victim from friends and family.

My Personal Psychopath (MPP) had a wide selection of stories on how he immediately, deeply, and forever fell in love with me. He talked about tests he had to go through and all his efforts he put forward to win me… Yes, that true. At one stage he asked me if I could make a list of reasons why I do not want to marry him. I stupidly wrote down 30 points, giving him a clear plan of how to fool me. On other hand I have no doubt that he really wanted marry me because he knew that I am 100% an empath. He knew how easy it would be to use me to make his life abundant and safe. He knew how his image would level up by marrying me…

2. Showing affection and complimenting the victim in public (it rarely happens when there are no spectators, and if it does happen, it's only for gaining something.)

Yes, psychopaths compliment their victims mostly when they are being watched. Their speciality is to annoy the victim to the extreme just before the public appearance and, once they have witnesses, they start unleashing the most heartfelt compliments. Of course, it makes victim furious (often close to exploding because of the perfidy of the situation), but the victim knows not to react because that would be the culmination of the psychopath's cunning plan: to show everyone how unstable and crazy the victim is. (A great example of this is shown in the movie “Mon Roi.”)

I remember once my friend Staszek brought me a small gift when came to a party. At that time, I was officially married to MPP. He brought me a miniature of a book (4cm x 3cm) containing quotes from Oscar Waite. When I unwrapped the gift and opened it to a random page, I saw the quote: “Husbands who compliment their wives in public beat them at home." My first thought was, shit, did he know? As usual, I said nothing and the party continued. I thought about it quite often.

I used to do a trick at university. Our official document in which our grades from all years of study was documented was a small book called “index." Possessing it was a very prestigious thing. Only 5% of the Polish population could have it due to the central planning of the communist government. The hot times during entrance exams were often described as “battles for an index."

The final exams in every subject were in the form of a one-on-one conversation with a professor, who collated the feedback and results from his staff and had the authority to issue a final grade for overall student performance. During the interviews, professors quite often had a rough look at our indexes. My trick was to keep my index upside down opened to the pages with the best grades, which meant it would naturally open to those pages… Did Staszek do that trick before he gave me the book? Did he know the truth?

3. Venting to someone about their broken heart and asking for advice about how to “win” the victim back.

The aim of it is to gain an enabler or flying monkey (terms describing people who help psychopaths in their smear campaigns) by “recognising” their wisdom and “deep respect for their judgement." In fact, psychopaths want to give the message: “You are not as stupid and cruel as the victim are, you are as good and as noble as I am." Not many people can see through that perfidy…

4. Buying expensive gifts for victim (not to the victim's taste ,but to taste of enablers and flying monkeys) to show extreme generosity and “doing everything” for the victim.

The aim is to build up the show and inflate their image to confuse and control their victim even more.

5. Crying plenty of tears: real or “real” in case the victim tries to leave.

This is a very misleading thing, because a psychopath can really cry. However, they do not cry because someone they love is leaving, but because their precise, and often years-long effort to construct a false image could be blown up in one second.

I remember that in 2002, I was sick and on the edge without any help. I felt that if I did not drop the burden of being responsible for MPP, I would stop existing, so I reported to him that I am leaving. The scene he performed was so authentic, full of tears and sobbing. He said that he would not survive without me. Yes, it was very authentic performance simply because it was 100% true. My departure would expose all of his lies and manipulation. It would break the illusionary world he built around himself. So, what happened in 2002? I chose myself. I informed everybody about our separation, and I paid for it heavily. He kept it secret for years until things came out, but that is another story.

The flying monkeys and enablers were working in full swing…